Working It Out On The Inside: Buttfuckingegypt, Texas

Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.

- Team America: World Police (2004)

It was about three hours into the trip when I pulled out my pack of Trident White and began eating the pieces of gum. My best friend Alex and I were driving to a mysterious city we'd never heard of called Big Spring, Texas to attend a wedding. (A place I would later refer to as "Butt Fucking Egypt") We would have stopped to eat sooner if it weren't for the fact that fast food chains seemed to be spaced fifty miles apart. You can imagine my delight when I spotted a bilboard for Wendy's. Never have I been so ecstatic to consume frozen hamburger. We kept busy during the trip by listening to old mix CDs from high school and singing along -- something Alex and I do quite well. I challenge you to find two men who can recite every word of Lil Kim's "The Jump Off" like Alex and I can.

We finally arrived in Big Spring and quickly realized we were in a place far from anything urban. We located our hotel and I called my mom from the parking lot expressing my concern that we might get attacked by members of the NRA or GOP. We made our way to the reception desk and behind it was a young male, about 21 years of age, clear skin, pressed shirt, perfectly shaped eyebrows and a lip ring: none other than a club-going, Will & Grace watching gay man to welcome us to Big Spring! Thank you, Jesus! He immediately detected the overwhelming aura of gay on Alex and me and quickly warmed up to us. The only thing that could have made our arrival to Big Spring better was alcohol, so Alex and I went to HEB to buy a bottle of wine each that we planned on drinking after the wedding rehearsal.

The church was nearly forty-five minutes away from our hotel. We arrived about five minutes late and I, of course, had a mini-panic attack in the car because of it. Turns out the rehearsal didn't even start until thirty minutes after we arrived. After realizing that I could walk into a church without setting on fire, I spent the rest of the evening practicing my music that I was to perform during the ceremony. Come 9:30pm, we were exhausted and made our way back to the hotel where I spent the night enjoying my wine, watching I Love New York 2, and laughing hysterically while Alex made fake sex noises to disturb our neighbors. "Put it in! Oh yeah!", he screamed.

I was terrified the entire morning of the wedding. I hadn't performed in many years and was sure that I would fuck up and inevitably ruin Kristen and Darren's big day. But thankfully I managed to fake my way through the ceremony. I assume nobody noticed my screw-ups since about twenty old women approached me afterward to tell me how wonderful I was. Kristen was happy too which was all that mattered, really. It was getting late and Alex and I had only booked a hotel for one night. After debating back and forth whether to stay one more night or make the drive back in the dark, Alex and I ultimately ended up driving back to Denton. This sparked an ugly argument between the two of us on the way back in which we didn't talk to each other for forty-five minutes. But of course by the end of the trip we were both laughing and screaming the lyrics of Lil' Kim together.

Congratulations, Kristen and Darren! The wedding was beautiful!

Enjoy the photos:

Hookah is yummy.