Beard

Paul Denton: Sometimes I'm amazed at the shit that spills out of my mouth.

- The Rules of Attraction (2002)

I awoke from a nap to a relentless thumping in my head. I've always despised naps. They make me feel wasteful and disgusting. It took a few seconds to come to and realize that someone was pounding at my door. I sprung out of bed and threw on a t-shirt and dirty basketball shorts. At the door were two over-enthusiastic blonde women sent to inspect my apartment for damage. I am wary of letting strange people in my house. Still dizzy from my hasty awakening, I staggered around the living room and tried to clean up around them as much as possible so that the women didn't get the impression that I intended for them to see my apartment resembling a disaster zone. They pretended to ignore the mess and complimented my art work on the wall. I walked back to my room and pretended to read a book at my computer when they entered my room and continued to search for damage. I have nothing to hide, but the presence of some strange person in my home made me think, "Do I have something embarassing to hide?" And of course, as the women made their way into my bathroom, I realized that in the middle of my nap I had peed and forgotten to flush in my sluggish stupor. I glanced in their direction just in time to catch one of the inspectors glancing down at the toilet and curling her lip. Humiliation. I turned my head, mortified. They left soon after and I immediately flushed the toilet thinking, "It could have been doody in the toilet. Thank God."

I visited San Antonio this past weekend to celebrate my 21st birthday just in time to see my parents off on their ump-teenth Carribean cruise. They make it a sort of annual event each year and drag my poor grandmother along each time. This year she will be wheelchair-bound due to a bad knee. My mom called yesterday from St. Thomas and informed me that, while helping my grandmother in her wheelchair, stepped off a curb the wrong way and twisted both of her ankles. So now she too wil be wheelchair-bound. I can see them now: My dad in his expensive Tommy Bahama shirt and ridiculous hat struggling to push my mother in a wheelchair while she carries a piña colada in one hand and a camera in the other.

Since they would be out of town for most of my birthday weekend, my mother was understandably apprehensive about the idea of me drinking. She must have forgotten that I've been doing this since high school...except instead of "drinking", I would say "spending the night at Alex's house." She threw at me many scenarios including my friends driving home and dying in horrible car wrecks, and me getting alcohol poisoning. But alas, there was no party and no need for her to worry. I was too exhausted from going out the night of my birthday. Here are a handful of photos from the weekend:

I guess it was understood that on midnight of my birthday my friends had to take me out to my first bar. Loud heavy metal music and drunk horny white people really aren't my scene, but I made a good time out of it by owning Mary in a game of darts. (That is Mary's brother in the second photo)



My mom thought it would be fun to take me to The Palm for my birthday dinner. Kimberly and I had more fun playing with the lobsters than eating them. Talk about overrated food.


Waiting for the valet. I like my mom's expression here.


Maybe Kimberly shouldn't have had a glass of wine at dinner.


Outside a club on my birthday. Alex looks stoned, but he just doesn't know how to keep his eyes open during a flash.


Waiting in line sucks. Although we made it fun by judging people in line.


It had to have been 100 degrees in this bitch.


Alex, Me, Danté, Brittany, Ross, Mary.


My bests and I at a birthday dinner.


It's disgusting how much I love Mary.


Kristen and Darren made it to dinner...even after getting into a hit and run car accident early in the day. I felt really bad for them.


Don't let Kimberly near a camera after she's had a margarita.


Laters for now!