Buttfuckingegypt, Texas

Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.

- Team America: World Police (2004)

It was about three hours into the trip when I pulled out my pack of Trident White and began eating the pieces of gum. My best friend Alex and I were driving to a mysterious city we'd never heard of called Big Spring, Texas to attend a wedding. (A place I would later refer to as "Butt Fucking Egypt") We would have stopped to eat sooner if it weren't for the fact that fast food chains seemed to be spaced fifty miles apart. You can imagine my delight when I spotted a bilboard for Wendy's. Never have I been so ecstatic to consume frozen hamburger. We kept busy during the trip by listening to old mix CDs from high school and singing along -- something Alex and I do quite well. I challenge you to find two men who can recite every word of Lil Kim's "The Jump Off" like Alex and I can.

We finally arrived in Big Spring and quickly realized we were in a place far from anything urban. We located our hotel and I called my mom from the parking lot expressing my concern that we might get attacked by members of the NRA or GOP. We made our way to the reception desk and behind it was a young male, about 21 years of age, clear skin, pressed shirt, perfectly shaped eyebrows and a lip ring: none other than a club-going, Will & Grace watching gay man to welcome us to Big Spring! Thank you, Jesus! He immediately detected the overwhelming aura of gay on Alex and me and quickly warmed up to us. The only thing that could have made our arrival to Big Spring better was alcohol, so Alex and I went to HEB to buy a bottle of wine each that we planned on drinking after the wedding rehearsal.

The church was nearly forty-five minutes away from our hotel. We arrived about five minutes late and I, of course, had a mini-panic attack in the car because of it. Turns out the rehearsal didn't even start until thirty minutes after we arrived. After realizing that I could walk into a church without setting on fire, I spent the rest of the evening practicing my music that I was to perform during the ceremony. Come 9:30pm, we were exhausted and made our way back to the hotel where I spent the night enjoying my wine, watching I Love New York 2, and laughing hysterically while Alex made fake sex noises to disturb our neighbors. "Put it in! Oh yeah!", he screamed.

I was terrified the entire morning of the wedding. I hadn't performed in many years and was sure that I would fuck up and inevitably ruin Kristen and Darren's big day. But thankfully I managed to fake my way through the ceremony. I assume nobody noticed my screw-ups since about twenty old women approached me afterward to tell me how wonderful I was. Kristen was happy too which was all that mattered, really. It was getting late and Alex and I had only booked a hotel for one night. After debating back and forth whether to stay one more night or make the drive back in the dark, Alex and I ultimately ended up driving back to Denton. This sparked an ugly argument between the two of us on the way back in which we didn't talk to each other for forty-five minutes. But of course by the end of the trip we were both laughing and screaming the lyrics of Lil' Kim together.

Congratulations, Kristen and Darren! The wedding was beautiful!

Enjoy the photos:

Hookah is yummy.


Jessi flaunts her 21+ bracelet on Halloween night. (She's a good liar)



I couldn't handle the pain of being "Kelly" for another night, so Jessi gave me an elephant nose to wear around Denton Square.


Denton Square on Halloween


The Reception Hall


Rehearsal Dinner


Me, Diwen, Alex


Drinking wine in our beer mugs we got as gifts.


Good night


Good morning


Buttfuckingegypt, Texas


Alex and I arrived early on the wedding day and took advantage of the playground.


Me and Diwen


Alex and Diwen


The church dog


The party


Cake


Me and Diwen again


Me and the happy couple


Laters for now!

Win or Lose, We Still Booze

Billy Butcherson: Go to hell!
Winifred Sanderson: Oh! I've been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.

- Hocus Pocus (1993)

First off.... HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Please excuse my absence. For once I can actually admit honestly that I've been busying myself with grueling schoolwork, films, and exams. This semester is turning out to be relentless and cruel. Curse you, North Texas!

So much has happened in these past few weeks. I typically enjoy blogging a funny account or event, but there are too many to fit in one post. Let me summarize a few:

- The time I met my UT friends in Dallas for a night of partying and then eventually barfing my stomach out into a hotel air conditioner.

- The time, while out in Dallas, a drunk fratty looking guy asked me to blow him in the bar bathroom. I declined and then ran as fast as my drunk-ass could into the crowd.

- The time my friend Jessi and I had the time of our lives attending a concert and drinking coffee in Denton Square.

- Going to the state fair with Laura and Kevin and consuming more calories in one night than a person should in an entire week.

- Shooting my latest music video with Laura and Kevin. (See it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQrSHnS6vP4)

- Etc. Etc.
___________________________________________________

Allie brought an air mattress for me to sleep on. You can see the hotel airconditioner that I probably ruined later that night in the background.


Even though UT lose the game, we still boozed it up.


After consuming vodka/cokes, a beer, a shot, and a whiskey/coke...I thought it would be a great idea to funbag a box of Franzia wine. This is probably what caused me to lie completely still on my bed the following day.


Corny Dogs...worth the 12,000 calories.


At the petting zoo.



We had to shoot an observational documentary for class, so my film partner Roy and I recruited Jessi to bake a cake for the camera. It was delicious.


Denton Square on the most beautiful night ever.


It was also quite windy.


Kick!


At our regular bar in San Antonio.



Mom's cool new exercise pedal thingy for her foot.


Happy Halloween, Betch! I went as Kelly from the "Shoes" video on youtube. I feared that nobody would recognize and appreciate my costume, but I was wrong. People screamed "Betch!" at me all night and molested my breasts. I liked it. Mom told me not to show any of these pictures to my father. Ha.









Moses is almost as good of a model than Riley. I said almost.


Dinner con mis padres.


More Halloween festivities in San Antonio. George had the best costume ever.





Laters for now!

Mankind

Erica: I always believed that fear belonged to other people. Weaker people. It never touched me. And then it did. And when it touches you, you know... that it's been there all along. Waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you loved.

- The Brave One (2007)

It could have been much worse. It coud have been better. I have no regrets but am filled with hope and ease. Everything is fine.

I went to Austin City Limits music festival a few weekends ago. I had a one-day pass so I only got to see a handful of artists: Joss Stone, M.I.A., Queens of the Stone Age, Kaiser Chiefs, The Killers, and a bit of Bjork. Had a blast. Here are the photos from that and my most memorable weekend trip home in a while.

Bus ride to ACL


The line for the shuttle.


Wristbands.


Beer me.


The Killers


While on the phone with my mom discussing which toppings we should get on our pizza, Mary burst out laughing/crying when I told her, "I like sausage." Yes, we are twenty-one.


Brittany got a new apartment. We all spent the night the first night.


Britt and Dant




Laters for now.