- The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky)
The other day I was standing in my bathroom at three in the morning getting ready for bed. While brushing my teeth, I sensed a quick movement in my lower peripheral and looked down only to find a giant black cricket cowering in the corner of the room. I jumped back quickly and then laughed at myself for doing so. Not having a fly swatter around the apartment, I grabbed the next best solution: a bottle of Shout stain remover. I assumed if the chemicals in it didn't kill bugs, at least the cricket would be stain-free.
I backed slowly into my room spraying the holy-hell out of the shiny intruder and watching him throw a physical tantrum when I felt something tickling my right foot. I looked down to see a large, burnt-orange cockroach crawling about on my toes. I instinctually flung my entire leg into the air so high it would probably impress a Rockette. I then ran into my living area and continued to jump about while surveying the floor for any more unwelcome insects. And of course, I spot one crawling into the apartment from a hole underneath my door. I grabbed a paper towel and clogged the hole and ran back to my bedroom trying to contain my fear as if someone were watching me.
The cockroach was nowhere to be found so I stood on a chair with the bottle of Shout in hand and chanting, "motherfucker!" over and over ready to douse the bastard when he appeared. I finally spotted him crawling on top of the sheets of my bed and instead of spraying him, I let out the most horrifying shriek you have ever heard in your life. (I'm not even sure you could call it a shriek. More like a demon-growl) I ran back into the living room and began dancing as if the cockroach were on my legs. There was no way in hell I was going to bed anytime soon. How dare he steal my bed! One by one I pulled the pillows and sheets off my bed and shook them maniacally. He eventually revealed himself soon after on the floor where I was able to kill him with about half a bottle of Shout.
It took me awhile to fall asleep that night. Every hair that moved on my leg would make me think I was covered in cockroaches. I kept thinking that maybe one of the bugs laid eggs in my bed and that I was going to roll over and eat them on accident. But like everything else in my life, things turned out to be just fine.
This week I drove my friend Jordan home from class and he invited me inside for a tour of his new apartment. While we stood around, his roomate spotted a giant wolf spider on the wall. I tried to pretend that I wasn't fazed by its presence. Jordan grabbed a paper towel and smashed it without even thinking twice. This was a detriment to my ego. I created an entire charade over a cockroach and Jordan just practically petted an enormous spider. This is truly sad.
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My next blog is quite possibly the most important blog I've ever posted in the three years I've been writing. Look for it early next week.
For now, enjoy these photos:
I'm a true believer in gay animals. Our old cat Rocky was a definite homosexual and so is Danté's dog, Ace. He gets a boner whenever I walk in the room. I have that effect on people too.
My mom ended up having to have surgery on her ankle that she sprained on vacation this summer. This is how she gets up and down the stairs. "I'm not in the mood to smile right now, Patrick", she says.
I flew home to attend my friend Sarah's wedding.
Mom in her wheelchair. At the wedding reception, my sister pushed me around in it on the dance floor while I raised the roof.
I look huge, but it's the shirt. I hope.
The bride and her brother.
At a bar with friends.
I managed to finish this beer at Chili's without vomiting. Go me.
Muchos Backflips performs at a local bar.
Laters for now!
